Hard conversations are a fact of life, especially when you work in ministry. Here are just a few ways that could look:
- Giving (or receiving) feedback about how a ministry has been led
- Shepherding a church member through a personal tragedy
- Asking someone to step down from leadership because of unrepentant sin
- Working through a major disagreement with your spouse
These hard conversations are daily reminders that our lives, our relationships, and our world are broken and in need of restoration. And like any source of pain, avoiding it won’t make it go away; it will just allow it to get worse.
So how should church leaders approach these hard conversations?
Before Entering a Hard Conversation
- Pray. Pray for your own heart and the hearts of those you are engaging with. Ask the Lord to grant you humility to see where you are in error and give you grace to address the errors of others (Psalm 139:23-24).
- Prepare. Determine what you believe and what questions you want to ask before entering the conversation. Don’t place the burden of explanation entirely on the other person. Try to understand the perspective and where they are coming from by engaging with relevant sources.
- Relax. Remember that this conversation, while important, is not of primary importance. Your first job is not to be heard or convince anyone of anything, but to simply listen, learn, and apply what you know to be true. Define what a ‘win’ looks like beforehand: glorifying God and seeking mutual understanding.
- Initiate. If you are conflict-averse, push through any tendencies to withdraw or avoid and have the conversation anyway. Remember that you are called to this work, and that the resulting peace, growth, and closure are worth the temporary discomfort.
During a Hard Conversation
- Pray. If the person you’re speaking with is a believer, invite them to pray with you. Even if they are not, offer to begin the conversation in prayer. Ask the Lord to help you both maintain affection for each other even when it's difficult. Consciously rely on God’s Spirit for guidance throughout the conversation.
- Set the terms. Be clear upfront about what you are discussing and try to identify any assumptions or biases that might lead to arguments or misunderstandings. It may be helpful to define a few terms or clarify the questions being addressed.
- Listen. Seek to understand the other person’s perspective and comments (Proverbs 18:2). Let each other talk without interruption; if you have questions or things you want to clarify, but they are still talking, jot it down on a piece of paper for later. Try to give the person who is talking your full attention and worry later about how to respond. Remember, the goal is mutual understanding, not mutual agreement.
- Check for understanding. After listening to what someone says, try to repeat it back to them in your own words (“It sounds to me like you’re saying…”). Ask if your interpretation of their point of view is accurate. Good leaders eliminate confusion, so don’t hesitate to ask for clarification. In the same vein, after you share, confirm with those who are listening to make sure they understand what you are saying.
- Communicate clearly and compassionately. Articulate your points as plainly and thoughtfully as possible while still always keeping your tone gentle and respectful. When calling out sin, you should be both completely truthful and completely loving (Ephesians 4:15). There is never a reason to belittle someone or speak contemptuously.
- Assess the priority.. Not all hard conversations involve confronting sin—some stem from differing convictions or perspectives. Remember that it is OK to disagree about non-essentials (Romans 14:1). If their perspective isn’t sinful, even if you disagree with it, seek mutual understanding, and then let it go. Don’t try to “win” the conversation or convince one another. If sin is involved, of course, you should try to restore your brother or sister, pointing them back to the gospel (Galatians 6:1).
- End with encouragement.. Remind one another of the common ground you share. Share how the conversation changed your mind or prompted you to think in a new way. Thank one another for being willing to listen and engage in this conversation. If you are speaking to someone who is hurting or does not know Jesus, make sure they understand the gospel.
After a Hard Conversation
- Pray. Thank the Lord for the opportunity you have just had to learn and share truth, as well as for His guidance in the conversation. Ask Him to show you anything in your thoughts or behavior regarding the conversation that needs to change and to soften your heart wherever needed.
- Process. Take time to sit with everything you heard. Don’t immediately categorize things as wrong, invalid, or irrelevant. Spend extended time in God’s Word looking for insight about the conversation. Consider discussing it with your community group or with other church leaders. What was said in the conversation that was true and good? What was untrue or in error? What could have been handled better? What further conversations need to take place?
- Practice. If this hard conversation resulted in some next steps, areas of further study, or things you need to change, then take action. Ask your community to come alongside you and hold you accountable for change. Don’t let the conversation stop. Continue to step into difficult or complex topics with wisdom, discernment, and grace.
Knowing how to have hard conversations won’t do you any good if you are unwilling to actually put what you’ve learned into practice. Taking initiative, even when things are difficult, is part of a leader’s responsibility. Rather than dodging hard conversations, try seeing them as opportunities to grow, demonstrate God’s love, strengthen relationships, and disciple others. The goal should always be to love one another and point each other to Christ. Handling a hard conversation with grace is also an incredible way to witness to a watching world.
Ready to let the rubber meet the road? This week, identify one conversation you’ve been avoiding and commit to having it. Pray, prepare, and enter it with grace. Download the Conflict Field Guide linked below. Hard conversations, by definition, are never easy—but they are always worth it.
