“The best gift God can possibly give you is more of himself.
“My parents loved Jesus and faithfully raised me to know God and his love. I received Christ as my savior at age five, but when I was baptized at Watermark at age nine, I truly felt the Holy Spirit move in me. I didn’t know the word ‘depravity’ then, but I understood enough to know I needed a Savior.
“Despite growing up in the church, there were still aspects of self-sufficiency and entitlement inside me. I was the textbook ‘older brother’ from the Prodigal Son story. I believed I deserved good things from God because of my faithfulness and obedience to him. I thought, ‘I’ve done everything right. So why isn’t everything going my way?’ That narrative has often appeared throughout my life.
“During my senior year of high school, I tore my ACL, ending my plans to cheer in college. Suddenly, I couldn’t rely on my performance or strength. I was completely dependent—physically, emotionally—and it rattled me. But it also rooted me. For one of the first meaningful times in my life, that season reminded me, ‘OK, Lord. You can take it all away, but you are still enough.’ Lesson learned, right?
“Two years later, I tore the same ACL again. My response? Not quite the same. This time, I was confused and bitter. I asked God, ‘Why are you doing this to me again? I already learned this lesson!’ I was still operating out of pride and self-sufficiency.
“Later in my mid-twenties, a short relationship and heartbreak triggered a deep season of anxiety and depression. This revealed in me years of self-reliance. I was angry with God for allowing my circumstances to lead me here. I was doing all the right things: in a community group, serving in kids ministry, making good choices. So why did God allow this? But, in his kindness, and with the help of community, I finally saw that he led me there to bring me back to him; to show me that he is truly all I need.
“Through counseling and lots of time to reflect during COVID, God began to shed these struggles from me. I wasn’t in control of anything—I had nothing to cling to but him. And for the first time in years, I felt peace.
“Philippians 4:7 says, ‘And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.’
“His peace is more valuable than answers, and I truly began to believe that. I also met my husband during COVID, which was such a gift! We have enjoyed three wonderful years of marriage.
“In this latest season, we have been walking through over two years of unexplained infertility. Yet again, another season where I find myself asking, ‘Why God?’
“Once again, I am reminded that I’m not in control, but I serve a sovereign God who is.
“This season has led me deeper into doubt and faith than ever before. I’ve cried out to God and begged for answers, begged for new circumstances. I’ve been angry with him, ignored him, and questioned his goodness. His answers aren’t always abundantly clear, but he has been unchanging and patient with me. He has also reminded me that he is God and I am not. His ways are higher than mine, and I have had to decide if I’m going to trust his way over my own.
“Pride and self-sufficiency have been a recurring theme in my life. And I didn’t know how to label it until these past few years. Marriage exposed it. Infertility exposed it. Reading Scripture during these times really exposed it. And yet, I wanted to present my story and life to others all wrapped up in a bow. I didn’t want people to speak into my life because I wanted to control the narrative.
“Now, I want to be fully known by God and his people. I want community to speak life, truth, and correction into me. I want to be reminded that I don’t have all the right answers, but God’s Word does, and his word never returns void.
“I don’t want a story with a neat, perfect ending. I want a story that reflects God’s faithfulness, no matter the outcome.
“And in every season—whether through injuries, singleness, depression, COVID, marriage, or infertility—God has been right there with me. He loves me in my doubt, fear, anger, and grief. His faithfulness and steadfast love endure forever, and he promises never to leave or forsake me. The gospel gives eternal hope in present uncertainty.
“Even though I have been walking with God for most of my life, he teaches me new things, sanctifies me in new ways, and amplifies his Word to a greater depth. I pray I can continue to surrender and trust that God has good plans for me, even if that means giving me more of himself.”