“One of the most significant things my parents did for me was consistently taking me to church. With God’s grace and my parents’ wisdom, our family thankfully got to experience healthy churches, and I came to a childlike faith at six years old when my mom shared the gospel with me. I believed that Jesus was real, that he saved me, and that I needed him. I knew I wanted eternal life with Christ, but I didn’t understand sanctification, holiness, or what it meant to be a mature believer.
“I started struggling with obsessive-compulsive disorder around eight years old, and my brain has continued to have debilitating, intrusive thoughts until the present day. OCD has probably been the cause of the most significant suffering I’ve experienced.
“My OCD triggers often are tied to a fear of uncertainty and a deep desire to maintain control over my life. Specifically, my intrusive thoughts have caused me to be irrationally afraid of physically touching certain objects or people that my brain convinces me could negatively affect me and change who I am. My triggers have changed throughout the years based on what I fear losing the most.
“Moving into high school, I was greatly concerned with my image and being impressive and admired by my peers. Because I was a small kid and insecure about my appearance, I felt like I had to overcompensate for all the things I thought I was lacking. I was always a goofy kid and enjoyed making others laugh, but I started to go about it in such an unfiltered way that I would make very hurtful comments towards others. I’d associate with bullies to feel like I was admired and not small. I put all my worth into how other people viewed me and how well I was succeeding in sports. With an extreme fear of what people thought of me, I had consistent anxiety.
“Eventually, one of my biggest fears came true, and I was cut from the hockey team because of my size. What I thought I needed to be good at for people to like me was no longer a possibility.
“Life took a turn for the better when one of my youth pastors invited me to a small group. Through his incredible humility and Christlikeness, he cared for me better than my friends in school could as he taught me about God’s Word and answered my questions. I started to become fascinated by the story God was calling everyone to in Scripture.
“When I went to college, I hadn’t by any means tackled my obsessive desire to have others’ approval. I joined a fraternity and became focused on growing my fame and being known as funny, interesting, and cool. An underlying depression set in as I started cycles of unhealthy behavior. While there was still a part of me that desired to grow in my faith, I was too prideful to choose godly friends who would be wise and helpful to me.
“The next summer, I was hired at a Christian summer camp. It was probably the unhealthiest I’d been, but through those few months, faithful people around me pulled me aside, corrected me, and showed me Scripture that applied to my life. These words started driving a desire in me to conform to the image of Christ. I saw that the work I was doing at camp—teaching kids about Jesus—was far more significant than any of the plans I had for myself.
“From then on, I started to adjust my friendships. I was finally humble enough to bring people in who loved the Lord and weren’t just there to improve my image. I cultivated a deeper faith through the Word as the Lord transformed me. I started to see the joy that comes through self-forgetfulness and service to others as I watched the kids I served also be radically changed by God’s truth.
“Through college and into post-grad with jobs in ministry, I started to form godly friendships that I never knew were possible—deep relationships where we confessed sin to each other, called each other higher, constantly prayed with each other, and deeply desired each other’s spiritual development.
“To me, it was clear that the gospel was the most important thing I should put my energy and life into. Discipling students became my greatest passion.
“Now, I get to watch students as they join me in the excitement of the story of God and see that faith is more than just being a somewhat nicer person. They get to learn that there is a deep transformation that God wants to bring about after you put your faith in him for the first time that affects every area of your life.
“As an adult, my OCD still surfaces in different ways—I’ve noticed it specifically in my spiritual life because it’s what I now value most. Despite my pride and partiality that exacerbate my OCD, God has helped me surrender control. I truly believe he has a better plan for who Hank should be than I do.
“I can look back and see how dramatic my life change has been since I was a kid. He’s been faithful even through really hard things to slowly but surely chip away at sin and refine me. Even if I want to go on my own now, I constantly feel God drawing me back to him. He’s shown me that everything in line with his Word leads to life and joy, and every time I deviate from it, death and dysfunction return. He’s always purifying me and deepening my love for other people. I’m grateful he hasn’t allowed me to leave his side.”