Growing up near New Orleans, Catholicism was cultural. From a very young age, I understood Bible stories, but I didn't understand that following Jesus impacts how you live.
At a young age, I was very prone to seeking the affirmation of others. I stayed busy doing everything I could to feel valued and successful. From the outside, it looked like I had it all together. Inside, I felt empty. I wanted to feel loved and like I was good enough.
My high school and college years grew increasingly dark as I turned to various coping mechanisms and gave in to worldly and distorted definitions of love. Nothing was ever enough, and my sins grew darker. I reached a breaking point in college when the reputation I’d coveted was compromised.
But the Holy Spirit slowly started to get a hold of my heart.
When I went to grad school, I committed to going back to church. At first, it felt like a locker room pep talk. I'd show up on Sunday, hear a message, feel better, and then by Tuesday it had worn off, and it was back to debauchery until the following Sunday.
I was in the darkest place, trying to figure out what it meant to follow Jesus. Over Christmas break, the Lord used Romans 5:8 to pull the scales off my eyes: "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
I began to know and understand that Christ's love for me was so great that even in the depths of my sin, he was pursuing me and drawing me to himself. It had nothing to do with earning it. This truth shook me to my core.
Becoming a new creation is the only way I can describe my life from that point forward.
From the pit of my relationships, addictions, and eating disorder, there is nothing but the power of the Holy Spirit that can explain what happened. My whole life changed.
The Lord was kind to place someone in my life who wanted to invest in me, but I didn’t make it easy. While she graciously reminded me that God wanted my heart, not just my actions, I still put up a huge wall because I thought following Jesus was simply following rules.
I earned my master's degree and landed the engineering job I always wanted. But while I was learning what it meant to follow Jesus, I hadn’t learned what it meant to surrender my career to him. I thought you worked hard, accomplished things, and then also followed Jesus. I viewed my faith and my work as two separate things, thinking that following Jesus was something I did alongside pursuing success.
I was getting accolades and had a successful job, but I felt empty and isolated.
After moving to Dallas, I googled churches and found Watermark. Eventually, I became involved in a community of believers who surrounded me and encouraged me in my faith.
Then, during a mission trip to Haiti with The Porch, the Lord exposed something in my heart that I hadn't been able to see before. I had surrendered parts of my life to Jesus, but I had never surrendered my career. My identity was still wrapped up in achievement, and I was still measuring my value by what I could accomplish. I was doing everything in my own willpower and for my own glory. For the first time, I began to understand that my career wasn't separate from following Jesus. Like every other area of my life, it belonged to him.
Shortly after, I went through The Watermark Institute while Nick was going through a discipleship program. As we dated, the Lord brought us on parallel journeys of learning what it means to take everything the world says is important, like your career, your finances, your plans, and lay it at the feet of Jesus.
Today, Watermark Health is where I get to help cultivate a place that reflects the unearned love and open arms of a heavenly Father who loved me when I thought I was unlovable. Nick and I are continuing to learn what it looks like to be a family on mission together by investing in our neighbors, serving alongside one another, and raising our children to know and follow Jesus.
In this season of motherhood, marriage, and ministry, the Lord continues to teach me what it means to serve him with humility. One of my favorite versions is Luke 17:10, where Jesus reminds us that servants simply do what they are called to do. That’s how I want to live.
For so much of my life, I was looking for affirmation to prove my worth. Now, whether the work is seen by many people or by the Lord, my desire is to simply be faithful. The Lord has been teaching me to serve not for recognition, but because he is worthy of my obedience.